This is the first part in a continuing series denouncing evils wherever they may be. Since we know our alphabet, we decided we'd go down the list and name a few evils.

All Together One - As if the world needed another slogan, Jimmy Madison slaps one in our face. This trademarked slogan is being oxymoronically used to denote a celebration of diversity. As you'd expect in such an event, pictorials of students harmoniously chillin' on the Quad and a picture of a solitary African-American male are used to get the point across. Like we need a catch phrase to be multi-cultural. Mottoes don't promote diversity, admitting a wider range of diverse students does.

Runners-up: athletic cuts, ASAP meetings, a cappella groups who wear khaki shorts with ties

Boy Bands - This music industry craze has taken off like a runaway truck, and now there is no stopping it. Back in the days of the New Kids, there was only one champion of the boy band throne. Now thanks to the utter lack of creativity in the world and the seeming deregulation of boy bands by the FCC, there are more groups out there than fans. College students as well as loud young girls entering puberty are consuming the corporate-created pop products. Have you seen the thugs with the do'-rags and Ecko vests bouncing in their Jeeps to 'NSync's "Bye Bye Bye?" The extent of the boy band revolution has gotten so extreme that now even groups like 2gether, who parody so-called "boy-band-isms," have singles on the radio and sell enough records to go toe-to-toe with the big boys.

Runners-up: born-again Christian groups, the bookstore, B.A.G.s (Ball-Ass Girlfriends)

Censorship of Students by Students - In a community of trendy rebels who rush to the record stores to buy Eminem records, download illegal music by way of Napster and fight for the right to party with alcohol at on-campus events, it's a nice kick in the ass to see fellow students get excited about avant-garde student magazines like Turf and then turn right around and attack us like a pack of wolves as soon as the administration and the political correctness police raise eyebrows. Staff writers, photographers and general supporters alike, denounce your association with Turf and enjoy the benefits of being fake as you attend SGA meetings aimed at destroying our First Amendment rights! There's nothing like being afraid to stand up and speak for what you believe in.

Runners-up: child pornography, chemistry labs, calling professors by their first names, celebrity gossip, card catalogs, comedy improv groups, cock blocking

Dog Food - It's raining and pouring; do you know what that means? Not only will you need a bright yellow designer Gap slicker, but also an oxygen mask to protect your lungs from the dangers of toxic dog food odors permeating the valley atmosphere. But why didn't anyone notice this on their college tour as a senior? Because the university must have a secret agreement with the dog food corporation to turn off the pipes when large student tours come through to entice aspiring students to enroll in this dystopian paradise.

Runners-up: dorms on Greek Row, D-hall mac-and-cheese, dance parties in P.C. Ballroom, Discover cards.

E-Campus - In this NEW! Day of NEW! and INSTANT! technology, we have to make everything available online and instate "dot com-munism" worldwide. Thus our flawed telephone registration system was "upgraded" to an even more faulty, more confusing and anything but more convenient Web-based system. Favorite frustrations include system crashes, confusing menus and lengthy hyperlink trails, and mind-boggling 12-hour daytime hours.

Runners-up: ecstasy, embracing each other's differences (yeah right), e-anything

Fraternities started in the last few years - Ah, fraternities. Say what you will, the Greek system has always played an integral role in college life. Love them or hate them, you have to agree that there's no better place to get lots of free beer, meet plenty of freshmen and feel important for being included on a list than frat parties. However, the mystique and ambiance of the traditional frat party has been desecrated by the influx of "expansion team" fraternities. Started by unlikely young men looking for résumé-builders and emergency popularity, these "frat boys" would have probably never considered rushing an established fraternity, and would have even less of a chance getting accepted into one. These front-runners tarnish the pretty boy/tough guy/bad-ass image we have so grown to respect/fear/love here at our sacred university.

Runners-up: Festival lines, frisbee on the Quad, forty-drinkin' fake thugs from the 'burbs

General Education - This embarrassing drive-thru system of education will have you mortified as you ramble about "clusters" and "packages" to your aging academic adviser. The McEducation will give you more B.S. than you will ever need. Think you're graduating? Not if you haven't taken that GSCI class, even though you're an English major. What ever happened to a solid liberal arts education where you picked courses you were actually interested in? It ain't nuthin' but a 'G' thang when you're wrapped up in GANT, GART, GARH, GBUS, GCOM, GECO, GEIC, GENG, GGEO, GFR, GGER, GHIS, GHTH, GIDS, GIST, GHUM, GKIN, GMAD, GMTH, GMUS, GPHL, GPOS, GPSY, GSCI (the biggest pain in the ass), GSOC, GSPAN, and GTHE.

Runners-up: glitter at parties, glam rock revivals, generic black pants (especially from the Gap)