Low on cash, but gettin' a lot of ass? Ever get tired of dodging townies on your way to the Wal-Mart condom aisle? Well we've got the perfect solution if your financial troubles have got you thinking of raw-dogging it when you're out on the prowl. Head on over to the University Health Center for all your safe sex needs.

For the past week we've been going to the Health Center every day to try and see how many condoms we can weasel out of the grasps of the nurses. Between two of us, we amassed a condom collection consisting of 45 Durex spermicidal lubricant condoms. Each "condom kit" comes complete with three condoms and an instructional pamphlet (by the way, if you need the pamphlet, don't bother, and please continue attending the regular Sunday night church youth group meetings).

But if you're worried about damaging your "good-girl-next-door" rep or the "I'm still not a player" image for the fellas, have no fear because these condoms come packaged in a handy and inconspicuous brown paper bag. They do come in a variety of rainbow colors, but sizes are limited, so for all you "big guns," you might want to head elsewhere for a box of Magnums.

At the local CVS, a three-pack would cost you $3.99. Do the math — we collected $60 worth of free prophylactics from the Health Center. Don't feel embarrassed about asking someone your grandmother's age for condoms, just be proud because hey, you're getting laid!! SCORE!!! Oh yeah, one more thing — if you need to stockpile and they expect you to be on your merry way after one kit, just use our classic excuse: "But my girlfriend/boyfriend is visiting from Radford!!!"