Turf: Online

Oh, Shit! We’re Almost Out of Here!
By: Jay "Rock Star" Carpenter

Oh my good lord! Graduation is almost upon us — less than a week away! Does this mean that us graduating seniors actually have to grow up and stuff and get like a job or something I guess?!? I don’t know, man, it seems like a lot of work! My brain hurts.

Well, I suppose this impending "life-defining" achievement summons the inevitable question, "What am I going to do with rest of my life?" But I’m not going to dwell on the future, dammit. I’m going to reflect on the past four years at this fine institution of higher learning. But seriously, I’ve had a great time at this school and I’m really going to miss it.

I would now like to discuss the things I will miss the most.

1.) D-hall: Possibly the greatest dining facility ever made and currently still kicking ass and taking names. It’s even greater than that mead hall in Beowulf where Grendel came and ate all those Viking dudes. Even better than the decadently fabulous dining room of the Palace of Versailles. I heard that they’re going to change the format next year. To do that would be the ultimate sin. Whoever’s responsible for changing D-hall (even the slightest change) should be drug out into the street, doused with gasoline, set on fire, and shot in the face at point-blank range with a sawed-off shotgun. Sorry I got a little carried away there, it’s just that I’ve been dating D-hall for 4 years now and sometimes I get real protective of my girlfriend.

2.) Hooking Up at Parties: It’s the number one activity of choice recommended by 9 out of 10 dentists, er students. Where else other than college could you randomly start sucking face and copping a feel with anonymous, attractive females who said they "always see you at D-hall" or "Don’t you work at UREC?" For my money, it doesn’t get any better than that. So if you ever get the opportunity, don’t pass it up because in the real world, I think real "adults" might consider such behavior immature or something stupid like that.

3.) Getting Jacked at UREC: It’s possibly the most important thing one can do in college — even more important than graduating and finding a career. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who are jacked and those who are not. If you’re not jacked, get the f*%@ out! Working and working out at UREC has easily been one of the best experiences of my college career. It’s where the streets flow of creatine and the Stairmasters flow of hotties in spandex. ‘Nuff said.

Now I would like to mention some things I will not miss about JMU.

1.) Greek Life: Don’t even get me started about this. OK, I’ll start. Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not 100% anti-greek, per se. However, I am opposed to the "stereotypical" frat guy behavior and sorority girl attitude. That being said, stereotypes are not always true of everybody in any kind of group or organization and I firmly believe this because I’m acquainted with many greeks on campus and some of them happen to be very well-rounded people. But if I want to go to a party and wait in a line a freakin’ hour for a stupid list and then wait forever for a 6 oz. beer, all while being endlessly cock-teased by snobby-sorority chicks. No thanks, I’ll pass. I don’t pay for friendship or respect. That’s something you should earn.

2.) Registration: Simply the worst thing about this school. I gave up trying to register at my scheduled times by my sophomore year just because I knew I was wasting my valuable time and energy over something that’s not worth getting upset over. I just know that the only way I’m going to get classes is to get overrides — usually a result of sexual favors. Just kidding.

3.) The Peeper and Other Perverts: This has to be the saddest thing at this school. I go to school where women outnumber men by a ratio of about 60 to 40 percent. Looking around campus, sometimes I felt like I went to all-girls’ school. It’s so easy to meet women here (or do other things if you’re good!) that it’s almost unfathomable to me that there are Peeping Toms and rapists roaming around on this campus. C’mon fellas, get a life! Just look at all the beautiful girls around here. Couple that fact with the endless supply of alcohol around here and it’s almost too easy!

Wow. It’s been a fun and memorable 4 years at JMU. Hopefully you all will enjoy the same amount of fun I’ve had and don’t take everything so seriously (like all the of Turf nay-sayers). It’s all in fun, so as long as you recognize that, you’re on your way to becoming an enlightened person. Adios amigos!