by: Keisha Banks & Cristin Palumbo           Illustration by: Brendan Fagan

It's big primpin' baby.
You know I - highlight, iron, wear'n sleeveless
don't need an f'in reason.
Take my picture good, lookin' like I should,
cause I'm a hair gel demon.
First time they fuss, I'm leavin'
Askin' 'have you been teasin'
I'm a PRIMP in every sense of the word, Mama,
better dressed than needed.

     That's right kids, we're talking about all those fellas you see around campus who seem to take more time lovin' their reflection than they do lovin' anything else. They shave, wax, Nair and pluck it all... and we're not talking about facial hair. You would think that it was prom night watching these "primpers" getting all dolled up for a night out in the 'Burg. The time that it takes to get ready from shower to stud seems to range from a half-hour to an hour and a half, depending on how the night is expected to end. One primper who we happened to bump into rolled up in a white Benz and had this to say about prep time: "If you respect yourself, you'll do about an hour."

     At the Highlawn Pavilion, we caught up with a few of these heartbreakers workin' what they believe to be the finest ass this side of Newman Lake. When approached, one of these prolific primpers let us in on his showering secret. The question: "How exactly, can any man spend more than 10 minutes in the shower, with or without masturbating?" The response: He explained, "There are four steps to taking a shower: 1. shampoo, 2. wash face, 3. wash "extraperifrials" (that's right, we asked twice and he still said extraperifrials... taken to mean extremities?), and 4. all the other 2000 parts, you know, like Lever." (We never said that these were sober interviews.)

     JMU happens to be prime breeding ground for primpers. On any given day you can cruise through campus and spot at least 10 guys in "male clogs" and a tight black (of course) ribbed T-shirt that, regardless of their physical condition, is a borderline extremity tourniquet, the equivalent to black booty pants.

     We were given a bit of insight from one of JMU's finest. He is known by the kats around campus as "Hot Brian." He chose to take the more philosophical route when explaining the verbiage of the everyday primper. "PRIMPING is extrinsic, while PIMPING is intrinsic," he said. Even during the week, he practices both... trust us.

     But don't lose hope ladies, chivalry is not lost. Don't be discouraged if your man takes longer to get dressed than you do. There are still a few guys out there who believe that women should be on the receiving end of catcalls. Take for instance junior Daniel Vanderkolk, who admitted, "I put deodorant on, does that count? That's as primp as a guy should get."

     If you are worried that you or someone you know is in fact a primper, we have designed a little quiz that can help you calibrate your level of "primpness."

You might be a primper if any or all of these:

1. None of the shirts in your closet have sleeves - a.k.a. the sleeveless wonder
2. You have a stylist, or, even better, you have a stylist on speed dial
3. If your chest is a size 44 inch or larger and you wear a size medium shirt
4. You spend any amount of time blow drying your hair
5. The belts in your closet barely fit into your belt loops
6. Fake 'n' bake
7. You know the difference between jeans and "dressy jeans"
8. You have ever permed your hair or Naired your chest
9. If there is any combination of multiple ear/nipple/belly piercings on your body
10. You are often caught admiring yourself in anything with a reflection
11. Two words: male manicure
12. Your teeth get bleached almost as much as the streaks in your hair