Player's Anthem: Male

by Jay "Rock Star" Carpenter

     Most of you may know me as "That Guy" or "D-hall Boy", but I'm not here to talk about me. I'm here to talk about you and what you need to do to increase your chances of well ... you figure it out!

     First of all, guys, if you think you're a player, you're not. In all honesty, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash! No one likes a big ego: especially if you can't pull it off. So leave it at the door and shut the hell up.

     Secondly, your goals may be adjusted according to whether or not you're out for a partner (you DO want a partner, don't ya?) or if you're out purely for ass (you naughty one, you!) Your problem: you're currently not getting any and you would like some. At this point, it becomes an issue of marketing.

     The problem is getting your message out to your target market. We've narrowed it down to JMU and further to the niche market here that I like to call "top skirts." We're talking the best of the best. Again, you must further narrow that market to "top skirts" that are 1) not in sororities and 2) not from the state of New Jersey. (Note: I don't have anything against sorority girls nor New Jersey but thought it would be appropriate considering past experiences. So, fuhgeddaboutit!) You've basically narrowed down your market to about 10 to 15 women. Now what mediums would be appropriate to reach those lucky few? The most influential and least expensive type of media would be best ... word of mouth.

     The problem with this is that people are twice as likely to complain to others about a negative experience rather than they are to talk about a positive experience. What this means is that you must make every person you come into contact with as happy as humanly possible and have a zero defect and return rate. You must "wow" them with your generosity, good looks, boyish charm, and personality (especially sense of humor). My recommendation to you - make every night a Saturday night. If you leave your house (even to run a five-minute errand), dress to impress ...always and everywhere. Your friends have to be equally as good looking. If they're not jacked and hot ... get the f#@* out!

     Now that you have the attitude, there are few other things I must mention that are essential. Thanks to the wonderful technology of CD burners, you can make "hook-up" mixes for when you're romancing the ladies. These CDs should include "good" music such as Dave Matthews ("#41," "Crush," "Crash Into Me," etc.) Tonic ("If You Could Only See") Chris Isaak ("Wicked Game"), and Peter Gabriel ("In Your Eyes").

     Don't forget to hit the weight room. If you're five-foot, eight inches, you should be at least 210 pounds at 5 percent body fat, ripped as hell ("torn up") and be able to bench press 315 lbs. like it's air. Pay attention to your legs, fellows. No one wants to see a guy with a huge upper body yet would topple over like drunk Jenga if the wind were to pick up to five miles per hour due to his neglect of his ever-important quads and calves. Creatine is a must if you're trying to get jacked. The streets must flow with it!

     Hair is also key. You must have a good amount of gel in your hair so that it doesn't get messed up when you're rolling in your phat ride with the windows down, sunroof out, and 2Pac, DMX or Rage Against the Machine blaring loud as hell from your jacked-up system. Never dye your hair so that it is 2 different colors (like Christina Aguilera) or dye it 18 different colors a semester. Facial hair depends. If you can pull it off, more power to you but in general, girls don't like the molester mustache. Your best bet is to have a clean shave as smooth as a baby's butt.

     It's also important to own as much expensive cologne as possible. Currently, I have 12 bottles in my possession. My favorites are Drakkar Noir, Aqua di Gio and Abercrombie Woods. You can't go wrong with those scents

     One last thing - confidence is everything. If you're confident in yourself, it'll show and more people will like you for that. Never go out intending to hook up (Of course, you're so money you should expect it). You should be more mindful of what's really important in life: success, money, getting jacked and consequently getting ripped. Guys, all girls are smarter than us. Just go out and have fun with your friends. Remember: desperation is the worst cologne.