Dear Ask a Sorority Girl At 3 a.m., My boyfriend is pressuring me for sex, but I don't think I'm ready yet. What should I do? -Torn

Dear Torn, Whoooo! I love my big! Where's my tube top? I know that fat whore took it, I'm going to kill her! Yeah, little sisters! I love you! We are getting WASTED tonight! This is real Kate Spade, you know!

Dear Ask a Sorority Girl At 3 a.m., I'm having roommate problems. My roommate is rude, inconsiderate, and loud. How can I resolve our problems? -Fed Up

Dear Fed Up, Who stole my boa? Answer my cell phone, bitch! It better be Mike! I'm not like other cheap whores he screwed in this sorority! Give me my freakin boa! The bus to Melrose will be here any minute!

Dear Ask a Sorority Girl At 3 a.m., Lately I've been feeling really sad and depressed about everything. I've even considered suicide. Please help! -Barrel's in my mouth

Dear Barrel's in my mouth, Don't call a f@*king ambulance, you sluts! I was like this three times at Señor Frogs in Cancun last spring break and nothing happened! You think I would let a Mexican doctor slice me open? Kiss my ass! I do not have alcohol poisoning! Someone get my Big!