The H-P Turfmag Guide to
JMU Evils and Other Darkness Guide

Guide by: Cyprian Mendelius

     Hunter's Ridge Parties - what was once a Friday night four-keg mecca has now slowed down to a bingo night bonanza at the local retirement home. "Hunters" used to be the spot for all the ragers and the bangers, but this year, after numerous New World Order-style lockdown tactics by authorities in response to a certain outbreak of chaos in a neighborhood across the way, this party paradise has simmered down to the excitement level of an under-funded public library. Proud Hunters Ridge alumni will return on Homecoming Weekend in horror as they learn that the most exciting party of the semester celebrated Ronald Reagan's birthday.

Runners- up: ham and cheese sandwiches at Dukes, HIV test mix-ups, herringbone necklaces

     ISAT Funding -I enjoy meditating at the majestic ISAT tower as much as the next mystic, but the disproportionate amount of funding the department receives has left many liberal arts majors with their panties in a bunch. The ISAT kids get futuristic facilities and their own dining hall, while SCOM and SMAD students have spent a generation learning in a cutting-edge abandoned elementary school. Yes, yes, I know, these masters of Macintosh computers shall one day soon too get their turn at a cool beige-colored building across the Interstate, but how many people had to get hit crossing Main Street before anyone did anything about it?

Runners- up: influenza strains that last four months, ice luges, incense

     Judgmental Christians - Now read this carefully: There is nothing wrong with being religious, and there is nothing wrong with being excited or zealous about it. However, forcing your views on those with a different interpretation of God, demanding that they be "saved" and condemning them to hell for having a different opinion is self-righteous and hypocritical. We're tired of people claiming to know the Bible word-for-word, claiming to know Jesus Christ personally and claiming to try to live as Christ did. If this were true, they would know that Christ taught love and acceptance of all people, not judgment and empty rhetoric.

Runners-up: janitorial staff kicking students out of dorm showers, jungle juice, JAC card photos

     Kegs in freshman dorms - There's nothing more poetic than trying to cram 60 freshmen and a make-shift beer pong table into a suite in Garber Hall. The struggle of securing the forbidden treasure, the thrill of holding your very own keg party without the RAs letting on, the triumph of being crowned the most bad-ass kids in the residence hall... this is the stuff of legends. I always dreamed of smuggling a keg into the McGraw-Long stronghold. My Wolfpack cronies and I often discussed such a devious scheme. However, the logistics were just not in our favor. All you freshmen who have no idea what I'm talking about, well, I guess it's just that no one knows how to party like the Class of 2001.

Runners-up: kissing rock, Kinesiology 100, Keezell Hall, Krispy Kreme doughnuts

      Library - No disrespect to Mr. Carrier, but his library just isn't ryde or die. There's always a line waiting for the computer lab, and once you get in there, you can't print what you're working on. You have to hold a bachelor's of science degree just to be able to comprehend how to use the stacks. And what's with that creepy sculpture of Madison's head? Unfortunately for the grad students and the poli-sci majors, the resources are fairly limited. Many find themselves taking a Saturday to drive down to Charlottesville to use UVa.'s library, and there's something about that that's just not right.

Runners-up: leather jackets, lab hours, llama farms, fake liberals

     Media Arts and Design - Who puts the design in Media Arts and Design? Don't cry, bitter ISAT students, now I'm going to spit venom on your arch-rivals. I find myself to be a SMAD major, and I also find that when no one outside of JMU knows what that means. Also, I find that I don't really know what that means either. In my four years I have seen more changes to the curriculum than classes that I've taken. How is "pre-SMAD" a legitimate major anyway? We all know what a massacre registration has been for students in this department. No one believes me when I tell them I will graduate on time. Maybe one day we will have an academic building to call our own where the walls aren't oatmeal colored and bare.

Runners-up: mass e-mails, the Madison Review, movie night at the TV lounge

     Noise Violations - Knock, knock. Yeah, you know who's there. If they were friends of yours, they wouldn't knock. It's the 5-0, partner. Somebody's called the police on your little shindig 'cause you were wildin' out too hard. Sometimes you will be lucky, if you live in an apartment, and only have to deal with appeasing the security guards, or 2.5 as we like to call them. Chances are if you try to break them off with a Killian's they will back off. However, try this with a real police officer and you've just added another charge to your rap sheet. Watch out, because $300 and a day in court is no way to end a Saturday night.

Runners-up: night classes, nosey roommates, NASCAR racing, NTC Communications

     Open Mic Night - Not that there's anything necessarily evil here, but I have a warning to all aspiring musicians: If you're looking for a Phish-type following, this is NOT the way to get started. Unfortunately these venues don't usually fill up with anyone but the employees on shift. There is a lot of talent here that deserves to be heard, too. Kudos to all those who brave the lonely microphone stand, specifically those of us who sing hits from 'NSync, Nirvana and A-Ha.

Runners-up: optional textbooks, off-campus internet connections, open-book exams (you know they're gonna be hard as hell!)

     Purple Signs on Campus - There was absolutely nothing wrong with the understated brown signs on campus, but as JMU tries to get closer to an amusement park atmosphere (see: the ISAT ramp, mammoth landscaping gimmicks), things that aren't broken are getting fixed. It will still be clear to visitors what the school colors are without slapping a cheesy Barney-purple sign in front of every building. If this trend doesn't stop, there will be an eyesore on every corner. What's next? Themed buildings?

Runners-up: parking (obviously), per page printing costs in ISAT computer labs, professors who rap

*Additional bitching by Alex Vessels