let the contest begin...

"Boy, Interrupted"

     It was a rendezvous much like any other involving a parking deck, a Crown Victoria and two hormonally charged teenagers. I had been infatuated with a guy named J.R. whom I had met through a friend. One crisp winter day we decided to meet each other at Tyson's Corner and "hang out" at the mall. We met up at the designated location and settled on going to see a movie. We made our way to my car, and I drove to the theater, opting to park in the deck located under the movie theater. Before we exited the vehicle, we began discussing our fondness for each other which, naturally, led to a little bit of pre-movie kissing. Soon enough things had progressed to a little pre-movie backseat action. Some 20 minutes after we started fooling around is when I actually thought "Hey, this is a public place and our windows are so fogged, dude ... hmmm, maybe this isn't a good idea."

All of a sudden there was a loud knock, knock, knock at the driver's window. Panicked, I flew into the front seat and fastened my pants hoping somehow that maybe if I didn't move a lot, the blurred knocker would not notice me. Indeed that wasn't the case, so the next best plan of action was to start the car and attempt a James Bond-like getaway. The windows were still really fogged, so much so that I could barely notice the blurry figure standing in front of my car attempting to block my escape. I proceeded to roll down the window, at which time the person started to make his way toward the window. In true "Mission: Impossible" fashion, as soon as the figure moved from in front of my car, I took off hoping to speed out of the deck to freedom. I then realized that I still could not see out of the windshield, and not wanting to hit anything or anyone else, I stopped long enough to defog the window enough to see out of. I then made my way to the exit of the parking deck, but in the time it took me to unfog the window and get to the exit, the blurry figure had walked to the exit, and waited for me like a lion hunting its prey. I was then forced to roll down my window after the security guard took down my car's license plate number. He then told me to "scram" and so I held my head low as I passed the guard station. I dropped J.R. off at the mall (so he could wait for his mother to come pick him up) and sped home as quickly as legally possible. I have yet to return to Tyson's Corner. Most assuredly the worst hook-up incident I've had to date. -Justin

"A Dark Surprise"

     My good friend and roommate (we'll call him Simon) asked that I accompany him to a party on Harrison Street to which he had been invited. It was at this party where Simon met the girl he will never forget. This girl will remain nameless and faceless not because we want to save her the truckloads of embarrassment this story will bring her, but because we don't remember her name or face. As he entered this party, Simon met this girl sitting next to some bushes. He introduced himself, and after she finished vomiting, she introduced herself as well. They went inside, and they danced and drank until the music stopped. Eventually, we decided to head back to our apartment. Around 6:30 a.m. I woke to an incessant banging on my bedroom door. It was Simon demanding that I get up and "check this shit out."

Reluctantly, I got up and opened the door. My senses immediately detected two things, which in conjunction were very disturbing: 1) a most foul odor that penetrated my nostrils, and 2) the sight of Simon wiping brown streaks off of both his legs and feet. I gagged. I looked out of my doorway and up the hall into his open bedroom. Maintaining a comfortable fetal position on the floor in the middle of his room was a soiled naked girl lying in her own filth. She had shit smeared all over the lower half of her body. It also appeared that she had taken the time to carefully place several piles about the room. After taking in the situation I went back to bed, and after Simon finished washing up, he did the same. When we both woke up some hours later, she had vanished like a fart in the wind. -Bill

"Brass Knuckles"

     Saturday night comes around and I decide to throw down five shots of Bowman's Vodka and then take off to the dorm of an anticipated, pre-planned hook-up. We'd decided to hang out the week before and both knew it was strictly for the ass. When I arrived, I found her with her friends in their suite playing drinking games and hanging out. I drank a few more beers, went into her room and the night began. Some clothes were shed and we started making our way down each other's pants.

     This is when the night started going sour. If I recall correctly, I went down her pants first. My mind started going over the scenario and I started to worry about having sex with this girl - those worries were quickly forgotten, however, when she returned the favor. Unfortunately, as Sublime puts it, she was possessed with the "Kung Fu Grip." The entire time I was receiving this surprising twist, I was crying on the inside trying to think of some way to bring this to a quick end. Her death grip from hell was moving faster than a Ferrari and was tearing me apart - I needed out. My best plan in this drunken mode was to try my hardest to climax. After a couple minutes of intense concentration, my mission was accomplished. I excused myself for a second and went to call my friends. I tried to get them to help me out of the situation, but I was left hanging when she grabbed the phone and informed them that I wasn't making it home tonight. Soon enough, she came back for more and, as I quivered in pain, I did something I never thought I'd do - I pushed the hand away. A few minutes later, still in survivor mode, I surprised myself again - I pushed the mouth away. After all of the abuse my soldier had suffered, he couldn't handle any more of the Kung Fu Grip, much less the teeth from "Jaws."

My walk of shame the next day proved to be one of the most unbearable experiences ever. I had to keep my hands in my pockets and hold my pants out so that nothing would touch my little guy. Anything that simply touched him would cause excruciating pain. After the longest walk home ever, I made my way to the restroom. Barely able to hold him, I surveyed the damage. Everything was red and there were a couple areas where the skin was simply ripped up. The worst week of my life (for my penis) began as the scabbing started. It all started from bad liquor and a bad hook up, and ended with a week of my walking everywhere with my hands in my pockets at all times to protect the little guy. She has been referred to as "Scabs" ever since and the situation will never be forgotten. Ever. Thankfully, I did heal. -Joey

"Morning Services"

     I ended up sleeping with this random guy, and as soon as he came, he got off from on top of me and started to get dressed. When I asked him where he was going, he said he had to go back home or he wouldn't be able to get up in time for church in the morning ... a little bit of a contradiction considering what we'd just done. -Brenda

"Uh Oh, Spaghetti-Os"

     I was a 20-year-old undergraduate student in Ohio. Somehow I hooked up with a local woman, 10 years my elder. She came back to my apartment. My roommates thought it was funny that I hooked up with an older chick, but what wasn't funny was how she got sick all over herself and my room. I guess she had eaten spaghetti within the last few days because my bed was full of noodles. At least I hope they were noodles. She slept in my bed, rolling in her own puke, while I slept on the couch. The next day, I woke her up and told her to get out. She said, "Fine - just let me use the bathroom first." She was in the bathroom for about 10 minutes before she left my apartment. I was glad to see her go. An hour later, I went to take a shower. As soon as I entered the bathroom I was overwhelmed by the stink coming from the toilet. Like a slap in the face, the smell pushed me back out of the bathroom. My hookup had left me the very special gift of a fresh load in my toilet. She didn't flush or wipe or anything. The odor lingered for days. -Clark

"Cuckoo for Cocoa"

     So I was hooking up with this guy, and he was definitely almost 10 years older than me. It was the middle of the day, and at that point in my life I hadn't had a sober hookup since eighth grade. So we were making out, and things were getting a little involved. That's when this guy, we'll call him "Bill," stood up and asked me if I would mind if he got the cocoa butter. I was a little hesitant, but ultimately agreed. He left the room and came back with a bottle of cocoa butter. He then proceeded to straddle me and masturbate using his newly acquired lotion. As I lay there, confused and a little scared at the writhed faces that he was making, I wondered if this was something all older guys did when they were refused sex. This went on for about 10 minutes without exchanging words or anything else. He finally broke the uncomfortable silence with the smooth inquiry, "Do you want me to cum all over your chest?" In my head I was thinking, "Buddy you have seen one too many cheap pornos," but all I could get out through the detained laughter was "NO... really, I'm good." So he left the room to finish, I suppose, while I got dressed and got out as fast as I possibly could. -Lucille

"Yellow Fever"

     I was talking to this girl and hitting on her all night. Things were going well so at the end of the night we decided to head back to the dorm. As we got into the hallway of my dorm, the girl said she had to go to the bathroom and then ran to my door and into the restroom. I didn't think anything of it and I followed her into my room where I got changed into something more comfortable. I waited for what seemed like forever for her to be finished, and with that she peeked her head out from behind the bathroom door. I wasn't sure of what was going on. I offered her clothes to change into and she agreed. She then changed and came into bed with me where we "got it on" for a while. After different positions and techniques we both ended up falling asleep. The next morning, after a fire alarm at 6 a.m., she woke up and left. My roomate asked me why her clothes were in the bathroom. I didn't know why. He had commented that when he got home, her clothes were soaked and laying next to the toilet. Later on that day, my suitemate came by and asked, "What the heck was that girl doing in the bathroom last night?" I still hadn't put two and two together. Jokingly, my roomate had come to the conclusion that she maybe had thrown up or had peed herself, neither of which I believed. That night, he saw the girl at a party and just as a joke, announced to everyone that she had peed herself in the bathroom. Well, it turns out it was no joke. She went away crying. Then she calls me and tells me what a jerk I am and what a jerk my roomate is for telling everyone about her little accident! "Little accident?" I had no idea that she had peed herself... and to make it even worse, I went down on her that night. Ughhh. -Roger

The Winner:

"The Mad Crapper"

     I was in the bar, really drunk, and I saw this kid doing the worm on the dirty floor. It attracted me. So I decided that he was coming home with me. As we were falling asleep, he asked where the bathroom was because he had to take a shit. I thought that was disgusting enough! Then he said never mind, he didn't have to go. We fell asleep and I woke up to him farting at 11 in the morning. I was freaking out. My sense of smell started kicking in and I realized that this kid reeked! I got out of bed and saw shit on my floor. I shook him to wake him up but I had no luck. I ran into my roommates room to tell them. My roommate grabbed her camera and started taking pictures. He had shit on the floor, on the carpet, walked it in the bed, ruined my pajama bottoms and peed in my closet. He woke up an hour and a half later to me spraying him with Lysol. I took a rubber glove and paper plates and started cleaning everything up. He freaked out and asked me for a ride home. He didn't even know where he was because he was a freshman! I call him the mad shitter now. -Carolyn